Haruhi's Killer Enthusiasm
by PhantomKino
Summary: I, Kyon, am in a rather awkward position. Haruhi is forcing some new student into the brigade, who she intends to become our 'male mascot,' but something's off about this guy; and the new teacher who arrived at the same time. WHAT! SHINIGAMI? Aw, crud...
1. My Sad Little Excuse For A Social Life

**A True Account of Some of the Recent Adventures in the SOS Brigade as Founded by Haruhi Suzumiya, Sometime Creator of the Universe as We Know It, and the Interactions with Such Guardians of Death as Hisoka Kurosaki and Asato Tsuzuki as Described by Kyon and Written by Nekoraven**

**A/N: **This is my first fanfiction for either Haruhi Suzumiya or Descendents of Darkness/Yami no Matsuei and also my first crossover! Dang, writing from the perspective of Kyon is annoying and difficult for a girly non-sarcastic otaku fangirl like me... Oh, this takes place in the Yami no Matsuei story between the King of Swords arc and the Kyoto file, since I don't want to have to deal with emo Tsuzuki... Time in Haruhi-fandom holds no consequence!**  
**

**DRAMATIS PERSONAE (With included disclaimers)**

(Note: Appearance in dramatis personae has no guarantee of actual importance or even appearance in plot)

**VARIOUS IMPORTANT BEINGS**

Enma (king of the dead)

God (a god; relinquished job to Haruhi Suzumiya)

Tanigawa Naru (writer; possibly a god as he created Haruhi Suzumiya i.e. god with yellow headband)

Matsushito Yoko (writer; very beloved for imagining Nekoraven's darling 'Soka-chan' and other Yami no Matsuei characters)

Nekoraven (writer; owner of nothing and no one fictitious, or Cinnabon)

**SOS BRIGADE**

Haruhi Suzumiya (creator of the universe and an addictive dance routine)

Kyon (Guy)

Mikuru Asahina (Time traveler endowed with certain physical gifts)

Yuki Nagato (Alien; also bookworm)

Itsuki Koizumi (Esper; possessor of 'I SHALL KILL YOU' pedo smile)

**GUARDIANS OF DEATH**

Asato Tsuzuki (Hisoka's partner, lover of Cinnabon)

Hisoka Kurosaki (Young shinigami)

Seiichiro Tatsumi (shadow-manipulating old Scrooge)

The Count (Likes candles)

**PEOPLE**

Kazutaka Muraki (Scary doctor man)

Man on Street (a man walking down the street)

Kyon's sister (a younger sister)

Cinnabon Guy (a man who makes yummy cinnamon-season sweet rolls with sugar glaze)

**SOS BRIGADE GENDERBENDED**

Haruki Suzumiya (a boy with an inexplicable yellow headband fetish)

Kyonko (chick)

Mitsuru Asahina (Time traveling boy often forced into crossplaying as Sailor Moon)

Yuki Nagato (An Alien. Who is not genderbended as he/she/it is in fact a data program and besides that has a unisex name)

Itsuko Koizumi (An esper girl very intimidated by pedo smiles)

**FULL CAST OF ZOMBIES, EVIL SPIRITS, VAMPIRES, SHINIGAMI, PORCELAIN DOLLS, CINNABON ROLLS AND OTHER SUCH THINGS THAT PERTAIN TO YAMI NO MATSUEI**

DRAMATIS PERSONAE END

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Chapter 1: My Sad Little Excuse for a High School Social Life

It was a normal day.

Yuki was playing computer games. Miss Asahina was serving tea in her maid costume. I was kicking Koizumi's ass at Othello.

And then _she_ arrived.

"Hey guys guess what?" Exclaimed the yellow-headband-adorned she-devil, scaring the heck out of everyone as she slammed open the door.

Do I want to know?

"Yes, Kyon! You should be especially interested!"

Crap. Yet again with the seemingly speaking to my thoughts.

Koizumi pushed his chair back from the table and asked, "Haruhi, does this happen to have anything to do with that new transfer student coming in tomorrow?"

"Of course! Imagine how popular the SOS Brigade will get when we have not _one _but _two_ mysterious transfer students in our club! They'll be banging down the doors to get in on the action!" I rolled my eyes. Really, Haruhi? You this this little 'Saving the World by etc. etc. blah blah blah Suzumiya brigade' will really become top dog at school. Not likely. Not even if you force Miss Asahina into more of those cute bunny costumes and make her hand out flyers... When will you wake up?

"_And_... If this new transfer student guy is really hot then we can make him our male mascot and Mikuru won't have to do all the work and wear all the costumes! Bonus points!" She cackled.

"R- really?" came an angelically timid statement from the corner of the room. Ah, Miss Asahina, how I long for the day when Haruhi will no longer force you to give up your dignity for the good of our club... not that those costumes don't look very good on you, I mean.

"Yeah, Mikuru! Therefore, I am giving you all our mission assignments!"

Everyone blinked in confusion, except for Yuki, still focused on the screen and wearing her bunny headphones. "Mission assignments?"

"What? Ya don't think this Hisoka guy'll join our brigade willingly the moment he walks through the doors, do ya? We have to _convince _him." Tere was something about the way she said 'convince' that chilled my very soul.

"Itsuki!" She stuck a long finger at the esper's face, "You shall take... _the friendly approach!_ Just smile at him a bunch in your class and casually mention the club you're in!" Sure. That'll work. Creepy smile+'Hey, wanna come to my club?'+ more creepy smile = one scared transfer student.

"MIKURU!"

"Eep!" she squeaked as she ducked Haruhi's mission designating finger.

"You act cute and sexy and lure him into joining!"

"But I-" Haruhi started to give Mikuru the evil eye, and then Yuki caught her attention.

"YUKI! You will... um... guard the clubroom?" She ended uncertainly. There was a slight nod from the lilac-haired figure over the computer. "AND KYON SHALL NOT SCREW THINGS UP BY SCARING HIM OFF!" Okay, _who_ would scare him off, among us?

Koizimi smiled. "What will you do Haruhi?"

"I will be... THE LAST RESORT!" She laughed maniacally and swept out of the room.

Mikuru was shivering in the corner. Koizumi was smiling and putting up the Othello game. Yuki was playing a computer game. And I was picking up my bag, ready to leave for the day, in dread of what horrors tomorrow would bring...

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**A/N:**So that's chapter one! PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews are like tasty cake... lovely, addictive, happy-making and tasting slightly of strawberries. I've never written from the perspective of a boy before, let alone one as sarcastic and Kyon, so I want to know if I totally failed or just kinda failed. Oh, the DRAMATIS PERSONAE was inspired by the one at the beginning of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman's Good Omens. Crediting that just to be safe. And reiterating that I own nothing used in my stories! Au revoir!

-Nekoraven


	2. Meeting The New Guy

**A/N:** I tried to get this out in a timely manner! For the record, I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, nor Descendants of Darkness/Yami no Matsuei (If I did the anime would be MUCH longer) nor do I own War and Peace or anything else I happen to mention in this fic! k thanks. Nekoraven out!

_**Chapter 2: Meeting the new guy.**_

Time: D-day, after school. Location: Literary club room All was quiet. Too quiet.

I waited in apprehension with Koizumi and Miss Asahina in her cute little maid outfit, while Yuki read _War and Peace_. We were very, very afraid. To be honest, I hadn't seen the new guy yet, since he wasn't in Haruhi and mine's class, but apparently Koizumi met him.

"Well, he just seemed like an average high school guy to me," he said, smirking, "Maybe you won't be the only normal mortal in the club anymore!"

Yeah, right. No one who catches Haruhi's attention is normal.

Wham! Down comes the door, as Haruhi roughly shoved a dirty-blond haired boy into the room, laughing and bouncing up and down with excitement. The poor guy lost his balance and fell face-down onto the floor, Haruhi making no motion to help but instead putting her foot down on his back and claiming victory.

"HEY EVERYONE! THIS IS HISOKA KUROSAKI AND HE'S THE NEWEST SOS BRIGADE MEMBER!"

"Argh...! Get off me! What the heck is this?"

"Hisoka-kun, this is the SOS Brigade, founded by yours truly!" She winked, and giggled menacingly.

Hisoka began to get up and dust hinself off. "SOS Brigade... what a stupid name..."

Haruhi's expression said, 'oh no you didn't!' but didn't skip a beat.

"Well the fact that you don't love it proves that you are not an official member and are therefore inferior and insignificant!"

"Hey!" he growled.

"So I propose a a democratic poll! Now everyone vote Hisoka into the club or you'll get the death penalty!"

This... is a democratic poll? Koizumi raised his hand immediately, along with an apathetic Yuki. Mikuru quickly realized what was going on and thrust her hand into the air nervously.

"Oh, Ky~on..." Haruhi sang sweetly. Gosh darn it, I don't even care about the 'death penalty' but I don't wanna destroy the universe as we know it either. I sighed, and also raised my hand.

Haruhi beamed. "Well then, looks like it's settled!" She stepped to the side of the new boy, who was just a bit taller than her. "You've been drafted, and now have no choice but to join our club!" She slapped him hard on the back, almost knocking him to the ground yet again.

"Ooh~" Haruhi mused, grabbing Hisoka's face and pulling is closer to hers. "Hey, this guy's a cutie! Yay! We have another mascot!" She started bouncing with glee, and Hisoka backed away very quickly. I guess some girls would consider this guy kinda attractive, with his light hair, green eyes, thin build. I must say, I feel a little intimidated. And will not forgive him if he makes any pass at Miss Asahina.

"What the hell is wrong with you people?" Hisoka shouted. Sometimes I wonder too, my friend.

Haruhi ignored him. "This is Itsuki, the SOS Brigade Official Second-in-Command!"

"Greetings, Hisoka-kun. I hope we can be friends."

"Hmph" was the reply.

"And that's Mikuru, our moe mascot!"

"I- I- I- nice... to meet you..."

"So wait, you just designate random people as human mascots? Do you always use people like this?" Yes, Hisoka, she does. You'll get used to it. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, I don't think I will!" What? Can he tell what I'm thinking? I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Haruhi managed to locate yet another person with supernatural powers to draft into this stupid club... Hisoka looked surprised. "'Another'?"

Of course, this little half-silent conversation was entirely overlooked by the oh-so-grand Haruhi Suzumiya.

"And that's Yuki! She... well, she kinda came with the room!"

"Hi," said the bibliophile not looking up.

"And that's Kyon! I forget what his real name it but it's not like it matters anyway!" she finished, and shoved a very confused transfer student in my general direction. "You all stay here! I need to go get something for Hisoka..." she said ominously. Oh, joy.

Like a whirlwind she was out the door, and I could have sworn I heard a key turn in the lock on the other side.

Hisoka was practically shaking in frustration. "Will someone please tell me... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

"Well," Koizumi began, "this is a rather long and complicated story. Miss Suzumiya and an amazing interest in all things related to aliens, time travelers, espers, slider, and other supernatural things, so it is our mission-"

"What?"

"Well, Miss Suzumiya likes to search for supernatural things and try to attract them..."

Hisoka looked confused and worried. "...How did she know?"

We all blinked. "Know what now?"

"Um... nothing."

Koizumi returned to his calm, smiling exterior, and continued. "Outside of school we hold searches for various paranormal activity, and quite honestly our normal meetings here tend consist of myself and Kyon playing games and Mikuru serving tea in costumes."

"Why in costumes?"

I sighed, "It was decreed so by the Great Brigade Leader. You may have to go through something similar, you know."

"Not happening."

"Trust me. When Haruhi is involved, _it will happen._" inserted Koizumi, causing a nervous look to appear on Hisoka's face.

Yuki suddenly shut her book and spoke. "I believe we should tell Hisoka the whole story. The data I can gather says that he is not, in fact, a normal being."

"R-really?" sputtered Mikuru, and almost dropped her teacup.

"Hm..." began Hisoka, "Then obviously, neither are you guys."

There was a silence. Well, what's one more freak in the brigade? Except you, Miss Asahina. You're perfect. "Okay, after Haruhi kidnapping you and everything, I think we owe an explanation, right guys?"

There was a feeling of general consent in the air. I opened my mouth to speak when Miss Asahina began talking.

"I'm Mikuru! I've been sent from the future, you see, because Miss Suzumiya changed the universe three years ago. Not we can't travel back any further so I was sent to investigate! And that's Itsuki. He's an esper. He fight monsters in closed space that Haruhi's subconcious makes. He became an esper three years ago, when the world as we know it was created! And that's Yuki. She's not very sociable, because she has no emothions because she's an alien who was sent to investigate after that thing three years ago. And that's my friend Kyon! He's Miss Suzumiya's chosen one."

Have I ever heard Mikuru talk so much?

"A... time traveler? Can you tell anything us about what happens in the future?"

She giggled. "That's classified!"

And so, who the heck are you, Hisoka Kurosaki? He obviously knew nothing about the little incident three years ago, judging by his expression, which means he's not sent to somehow investigate Haruhi, but Yuki says he's not human.

"Well, I suppose since you all have been honest I have to tell you. I'm... an empath."

Uh... a what?

"I can read people's emotions, and occasionally thoughts, Kyon." Oh dang, This may cause some problems from time to time. "Okay, I told you my secret, and let me tell you I have no idea _what the hell is going on here_. If it wasn't for my powers, and didn't feel your honesty, there's no way I'd believe any of you, got that?"

Itsuki nodded. "It's okay, we understand. Now I'm assuming you're here to investigate Haruhi?"

"Why the hell would I want to investigate that creepy girl?" he shouted, "Look, I can sense her plans, and my intention is to get out of this stupid club as soon as possible!" Sorry, kid. With Haruhi, that ain't gonna happen. "What? Why not?"

"Well..." began Itsuki, "If you make her unhappy, the universe as we know it could possibly end."

Again, silence.

"What the hell?"

"You see, Hisoka," I attempted to explain, "Haruhi is considered, and proved to be, by various beings, a Temporal Distortion, a Self-evolution, and God."

"So... is she the one behind all the strange deaths?" he asked. Not it was our turn to be confused.

"Deaths?" exclaimed a frightened Mikuru?"

"The Data Entity and, by extension, myself, is not aware of any unusual deaths in this area."

"What are you talking about? They've all been at this school!"

This was getting odd. What was he talking about?

Hisoka's eyes widened. "Oh God... she's back..."

"HELLO AGAIN, EVERYONE!" Hauhi shouted as she burst into the room, holding shopping bags. Hisoka started to back away, apparently seeing something in her thoughts... Haruhi was talking very fast and excitedly. "Okay-so-I-realized-that-none-of-Mikuru's-costumes-would-work-since-Hisoka's-a-guy-and-therefore-has-no-boobs-so-I-went-SHOPPING!-and have now _returned_!"

"NOT A CHANCE!" Hisoka yelled, diving for the door, before he was tackled by Haruhi. "What the hell is wrong with your mind?" Haruhi's response was a very sinister giggle. It is in rar moment like there I am actually _glad _girls don't find me very attractive. Mikuru, glad not to be the subject of Haruhi's harassment, inched out the door, and the rest of us of course followed for decency's sake.

"WHAT THE HELL? _HELP ME!_"

And so Haruhi came into posession of yet another human dress-up doll, and supernatural SOS Brigade.

.

.

.

When we returned roughly ten minutes later, we beheld a very red empath in neko cosplay, apparently being forced to learn our official dance. All was normal in the SOS Brigade... not.

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**A/N: **O.o What was Hisoka-kun saying about mysterious deaths at the school? Why doesn't anyone know about it, not even Yuki with infinite data at her command? And what will happen when a new teacher arrives? PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews mean I finish the story, lack of reviews mean NINJA KAT WILL FIND YOU! Oh and **PLEASE REQUEST COSTUMES FOR HISOKA AND/OR MIKURU**. Hee hee hee...


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